There goes my life
David left with my parents when he was 1 yr. and 3 mos. I remember that
cold morning as if it was yesterday. My parents had been in town that whole wk.
and today was the big day. Not only were they leaving but they were taking my
baby with them. I had to be at work that day at 5:15 am. I put on my uniform
finished getting ready and picked up David.
When we all walked out the door, immediately, I broke down. It felt
horrible. I was so emotional. Even to this day when that date comes around and
as I type these words I get a little teary eyed.
As she walked away with David in her arms I remember I slowly fell to my knees and sat on
the sidewalk crying watching them drive out of the parking lot thinking there
goes my life, my everything. Moments later I stood up I wiped my tears and
headed to my car. The last thing I wanted to do was to head to work-at an
airport-where I see thousands of kids in a day. But I still went. God that day
was so hard.
Seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months went by so slow. They felt like
an eternity. Talking to him on the phone every day wasn’t enough. I’d cry
myself to sleep every night. I missed
him so much. In the course of three yrs. I spoke to him almost every day, did Skype
a couple of times and visited about 6 times.
Over the next few there were of changes. I was doing a lot better emotionally.
I was financially stable. David’s “father” left the picture completely and I
was alone. I had a lot of time to find
myself and set goals and take care of business. I was on work mode for the next
2 years. Focused, nothing was stopping me.
School was from 7 a to 12 p, Mon through Fri and work was 12:30 p to 9 p
Fri through Tues. Busy much? Oh yes. Somehow
I made it. I lost and made friends along the way.
Psychological Damage
There were a couple of times when I decided to bring David back during
those three years but something always came up. I took that as a sign that it
was NOT meant to be. Finally the day came when I thought I was okay. I felt as
ready as I’d ever be. I had a house I
had the opportunity to stay at home with him and I had my family’s support. I
started getting his room ready, everything Cars! And when it was done I packed
my bags and left to Cali for a month. Why a month? Picture this:
1. Money and roof over our heads: check
2. Babysitter for when
I return to work: check
3. Family’s support:
check
4. David’s room: check
5. Ready for the
psychological damage you’re about to do to your son: ???????
Guess it wasn't that easy was it? Major block there. I was scared. My David
has been with my mami for three years and even though I visited and he knows I’m his mami it’s not as easy as
“oh okay David pack your Cars bag, it’s time to go sweetie.” How would you
feel? I know sure as hell I wouldn’t like it. It’s traumatic. Not having your
parents in your life whether it’s for a yr. or forever it traumatizes you. This
child here first had to understand “mami and papi aren’t together” then “mami
can’t be here with you”. Now it’s “mami is here to take you, and you won’t see
us every day from now on” oh for the love of God what’s next?! I was blessed
with a smart child. David catches on too quick, he’s very opinionated and isn’t
afraid to tell you how he feels. I’ve had numerous conversations with him about
the changes he’s had to adapt to and he’s got a lot to say. It wasn’t enough
time but I felt it was much better than a week just so he could feel better
than “okay” around me. Let’s face it a
month was an eternity for us when were
kids right?
And then there was me. I already had to deal with the guilt of not
being in his life for all this time, now to top that off more guilt for taking
him out of what he knew was his family. Oh Lord! It’s just a never ending
story….
Déjà vu and the 1st Month
So here I am…at LAX Airport with David we’ve already said our good-byes
cried our asses off about to board a plane. I know nothing. Even though I was
always good about keeping in touch with him, always in the picture just not
physically, I knew nothing besides the fact that he loved Cars falls, only
falls asleep if you massage his little arms and a few other mental notes I took
from mami. It was like having a baby all over again. Except this baby talked,
was about 2 ½ ft. tall and was a lot
heavier to carry than your average newborn.
We got home and he was excited to see his room and play with Killer and
Copper. Everything was Gravy! I didn’t want him sleeping alone the first night.
I slept with him for the first week. The first month was hard I’m not going to
Lie. I had mami on speed-dial he had night when he wanted to sleep alone and
then there were those night that he would cry and tell me he missed “mom”
(mami) and “Kinga” (papi) I’d stay up for hours with him because he couldn’t sleep.
Sometimes all he needed was to hear their voice. It was hard, he wasn’t eating
right I had him on Pediasure with Cars vitamin gummies. I was HAPPY if he ate McDonalds.
That’s how bad it was. There were nights I would stress…I lost 15 lbs. the
first month for me that’s a lot because I’m skinny already. I couldn’t sleep
and I felt guilty I was second guessing myself. We hit our 2 month mark and we
started doing a lot better. He now sleeps alone prefers to do everything alone which
you know for me it’s hard because I want to baby him but NOT because I feel
guilty. Its natural a mom always wants to baby her baby. Most importantly he’s
happy and he tells me all the time.
As for my family they took it a lot better than I expected especially
mami. We hope she can visit soon because it’s now been a few months since he
moved here.
Today
When David left one of the ways I coped was writing. I kept a journal
of my life. Kind of like a “while you were gone” sort of thing. This here is kind of the same, of course there will be a little of everything and I might post every other
day, every day, up to 3 times a day who knows…stay tuned.
